Thoughts

The last few months have been real eye openers for me. Things are not always as they seem. There has been heart ache, there has been anger, there has been disappointment, and there has been forgiveness and hope. I have been extremely disappointed in our country and their choices. People have become so naive to how evil our world has really become. Things are so acceptable that have always been so inappropriate. It makes my heart sick and I feel like I can't let my children go out into the world. I want to protect them from everything and not allow them to get hurt, but the fact is that I have to trust in the Lord and trust them. I can only teach them so much but they have to act upon those teachings for themselves and learn for themsleves. I feel inadequate for teaching my children, doesn't every mother? I feel like I never have enough time or enough to tell them. I can't get it all done. Maybe it is because I worked when they were younger and I feel like I have to rush it and cram it down their throats. Or maybe it is because they are getting older and I am realising how short of time I have before they are off on their own. I know that I can only do what I can do now. I may have to let my not entirely clean house go a little bit more. I may have to say no to a few things. But I do have to trust in the Lord and hope for the best. Speaking on anger. I have always felt such anger towards my home town and the people in it. There has always been so much negativity there. I never felt like I belonged there and that every one was fake and two-faced. I had a hard time feeling the spirit in church there because of my anger towards these people. For the first time in years I was able to feel the spirit around those people. I have felt some of the anger leave and have been able to feel more love, maybe not for them yet, but for others around me. I love my ward and that, for the most part, so many of them are true christians. The truly do love one another and don't just do it for show when people are watching. Life is challenging enough and we have to let go of some things. I have always been so set on being good at so many things that were not important. Some of those things I dearly love, but now that I am a mother I have had to branch out into other areas because I couldn't afford to do them, or I didn't have time. I miss playing in symphonies, I miss painting and drawing, I miss track and other sports, I miss riding horses most of all. For a while we were able to play volley ball at our church and that was a great outlet for me. Then they put in a large divider and we can no longer set up the stands for the net. This was a crushing blow as I was really starting to enjoy it as it had become date night for me and my spouse as well as friend night. Then the snow started and it got cold so we couldn't set our net up and have it at our house. I really needed the outlet but couldn't get it. The kids school took over and sports and I was juggling time just to get through the day at the expense of my 3 year old son. It was especially hard as we had been waiting on his biopsy results to see if the mole was no longer cancerous. I just wanted to hug him and spend time with him but everything else called to me. Now I realise why the Presidency of church has cautioned us to not add to many items to our kids plate. It is a stress on the whole family. I let my anger creep back in and was always on the edge of tears. I needed the relief of pounding a ball across the court. Just to feel I was in control of that ball if nothing else in my life. There are three little words...choose the right. And although I may not always be able to do what I want or things as good as others, I do try to do what is right. If that means helping with homework rather than cooking an "organic nutritious" meal that others insist I do, then so be it. I am human. I am susceptible to temptations and trials. I can't allow others to tell me that I don't do enough, or that it is my fault my son got cancer because I didn't cook organic meals. I will have to answer to the Lord for my actions, not those of others who judge me without walking in my shoes. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I am prgressing and that is all the Lord asked me to do. To try my hardest to follow him and do what is best for my family. I know my Savior Lives, I know he loves us. I know he provided the Atonement for each and every one of us. I know that we can overcome any sin or temptation with his help. I know that I can weather the storms ahead if I rely on him. My heart is full of hope for the future. I know that I belong to the True Church of Jesus Christ. My heart aches for all who have left the church and for the trials they are facing and will face without the Lord. My heart longs for my children to gain their own testimony. I pray that they will make good choices in their lives and follow the Lord. I pray my family will find their path with their own iron rod that will lead them to eternal life. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.